Recently, it occurred to me that there's a lot of advice out there on how to give praise and positive feedback to a hard worker, but very little advice on how to receive these morale-boosting messages.

Accepting praise can make many people feel shy and uncomfortable – often because, even when we feel proud of our achievements, we don't want to appear egotistical.

Rather than accepting praise with polite grace, we'll often sheepishly reject the compliment, or even deny it entirely, changing the conversation as quickly as possible. After all, no one likes a bragger.

Responding With Denial and Deflection

This is exactly how I felt at my dad’s 50^th birthday party, just a few days after I had received my university results.

My parents were so proud of me that, on arrival, every single guest already knew my grades. As the party went on, dozens of people I didn’t know greeted me with warm, heartfelt congratulations. It was as if they were there to celebrate me!

I was baffled and a little overwhelmed by so much unexpected praise – especially from strangers!

Concerned about stealing my dad’s spotlight, and also starting to wilt under the sustained praise, I tried to deflect the kind compliments and blend into the background. I joked that the examiner must have been in a very generous mood when she marked my paper, and that I was just "lucky."

To say anything else would be narcissistic, I thought. My impressive grades had absolutely nothing to do with my three years’ hard work and dedication, I assured everyone. Pure coincidence.

There seems to be an unwritten rule (particularly in British culture) that the moment you accept praise is the moment you stop deserving it. It’s better to appear overly modest than overly self-confident… right?

Why Do We Reject Praise?

Praise can tap into many of our insecurities and worries.

Few of us wish to appear vain and immodest. We may worry that our accolade will provoke envy in others. Or, we might feel that the achievement has been exaggerated or overblown – OK, I did well, but it wasn’t that special or important!

In the workplace, there’s the fear that with praise might come extra work and higher expectations. Now that your boss has seen how competent you are, they’re going to pile on the pressure!

Praise might also reinforce the sense of being an impostor. Many people feel like they’re a fraud and live in fear that one day they'll be "found out."

Balancing Pride and Vanity

But, whatever our reasons, deflecting praise can also be perceived as arrogant, and even make our modesty seem little more than a pretense.

Imagine that your co-worker just completed an ultra-triathlon. Their family, friends and colleagues applaud them, but they just shrug it off like it was a walk in the park. Does this attitude seem to undermine the efforts and strain of the other participants, or imply that your co-worker believes that they possess the stamina of a comic-book superhero?

Finding the right balance between pride and vanity is the key to accepting praise gracefully. We needn’t fear what comes after praise: quite often, praise is simply its own reward, and respect is the only thing that follows.

Typically, it’s not the flattery itself that makes us feel bashful, but our own overthinking. If we dare to permit ourselves to enjoy a compliment, we may find it’s not so challenging after all!

Creating a Praise Culture

A major contributor to our inhibitions around accepting praise is the culture of "constructive criticism."

In every one-on-one meeting or annual appraisal, we’ve all come to expect the dreaded "but" after hearing what we’ve done well. We’re more accustomed to hearing what we need to improve, rather than unqualified praise.

How comfortable we feel when receiving recognition is also dependent on how it’s given – an announcement in front of 40-something co-workers (or party guests!) is enough to make any introvert shiver!

I’ve experienced the difficulties of celebrating achievement in many of my jobs. Having an "Employee of the Month," for example, can help to normalize praise in the workplace and generate motivation, but I’ve also seen how it can spark envy and competition.

A more relaxed approach to praise is having a "kudos" channel on a messaging platform. This allows everyone to share their gratitude toward other members with a little more intimacy and discretion.

But, ultimately, methods like these lack the impact of face-to-face praise. So, how can we accept praise in the right way?

Responding With Grace

Looking back, the affection I received at the party was humbling – people I hardly knew were showering me in admiration because they were genuinely impressed and pleased for me.

My degree hadn’t helped them in any way so there was no obligation to comment, but they still cared enough to say "well done." It was the sincerity that really touched me and made me feel like I had accomplished something spectacular.

Instead of dismissing the praise, I should have commented on how kind they were for noticing, or how pleased I was with my achievement.

Another good option is to "forward" praise – perhaps other people played a part in your success and deserve to share the attention. If you’re still lost for words, a simple "thank you" is the best way to go.

Own Your Strengths

There is absolutely no shame in accepting praise. Genuine messages of admiration are only voiced to those who have earned them.

Someone saying, "You did really well," or, "We couldn’t have done it without you," has the power to boost your self-esteem and make you feel an inch taller.

Not only do the words carry a message of gratitude and recognition, but the thought behind them shows that your efforts are appreciated and not going unnoticed.

So, the next time you get the recognition you deserve, don't hide your pride – own your strengths and try to enjoy the moment. You deserve it!

If you liked this blog, you may be interested in the following resources:

How Do You Take Pride at Work?
Getting Feedback
Celebrating Achievement
Self-Sabotage
How Self-Confident Are You?
Boost Your Self-Esteem Video

About the Author:

Alice Gledhill commissions, plans and writes many of our blogs. An Assistant Content Editor, she also makes videos and infographics, as well as handling the many requests we get to reuse our content. A restless learner, Alice is currently doing a master’s degree in media, ethics and social change. Away from work, she’s happiest when she’s spending time with friends, roller-skating, or playing Lady Gaga at top volume.

The post Accepting Praise – How to Own Your Achievements appeared first on Mind Tools.

Sounded easy enough, but it wasn't. After 14 years as a journalist, this was to be my first ever shift at a national newspaper, a job I'd wanted to do for as long as I could remember.

I looked up at the big clock, emblazoned with my new employer's name, and took a deep breath. I stepped into the elevator and pressed "six."

But as it lurched upwards, I couldn't seem to turn off that voice in my head telling me, "You’re not good enough. You'll never match up to these people working here. Just go home and do something else – anything else."

I almost didn't get off when those doors opened. But I did. "This is your chance," I told myself, "You've trained for this, you're good enough, you can do it."

As it turned out, I could, and did, do it for the next 17 years. Yes, it took a while to get to grips with the processes, the IT, the characters, and the culture, but that's the same in any job.

Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone

I guess it's natural to have a moment of doubt when you take that great leap into the unknown: a feeling new managers know all too well.

"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right."

Industrialist and inventor, Henry Ford

Aside from learning new skills and procedures, managers need to build a successful team and maintain good relationships with their team members, all while in a new position of greater authority. Not to mention making a good impression on the C-suite.

All these new pressures and responsibilities can be daunting, to say the least, and make any new manager lose faith in themselves.

Three Steps to Believe in Yourself

Fundamentally, what you'll need to succeed in all of the above is a combination of self-confidence, self-esteem and self-efficacy. Let's face it, if you don't believe in yourself, your team and the people around you probably won't either.

So, what are these magic ingredients for successfully overcoming the challenges that a new role can throw at us?

• Self-confidence is trusting your own judgment, capacities and abilities. It's about valuing yourself, regardless of any imperfections, or what others may believe about you.
• Self-efficacy is gained when we see ourselves mastering skills and achieving goals. It encourages us to believe that if we learn and work hard, we'll succeed. It's the type of confidence that means we take on difficult challenges and keep going in the face of setbacks.
• Self-esteem is a more general sense that we can cope with what's going on in our lives, and that we have a right to be happy. It also comes, in part, from the feeling that the people around us approve of us. If we experience persistent criticism or rejection from others, our self-esteem can easily suffer – unless we support it in other ways.

And that's worth doing for a myriad of reasons. According to a 2022 study, high self-esteem "helps individuals adapt to and succeed in a variety of life domains, including having more satisfying relationships, performing better at school and work, enjoying improved mental and physical health, and refraining from antisocial behavior."

Thankfully, there are plenty of strategies you can use to boost your self-confidence, -esteem and -efficacy. Ones that will help you to perform to your potential as a manager, new or otherwise.

Improving Your Self-Esteem

• Think about yourself positively. The only person who can change your view of yourself is you. Learn how to detect and defeat patterns of self-sabotage. Be your own cheerleader!
• Take pride in your accomplishments. When you do something well, celebrate it. Don't wait for someone else to tell you how wonderful you are. Tell yourself!
• Be consistent. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you don't believe in what you're doing. If you find yourself in a difficult situation, do all that you can to make a decision that is consistent with your values.
• Remember that you aren't perfect. Don't be too hard on yourself, or worry about what others think. We all make mistakes, and that's often OK, as long as we learn from them. Focus on the positives and your inner confidence will shine through!
• Look after your physical self. Being active can improve self-esteem. Activities that improve your overall health help you feel more in control, and give you a sense of satisfaction that carries through to other areas of your life.

Three Ways to Build Your Confidence

1. Build confident habits. and break bad ones! Regular exercise and a healthy diet can dramatically improve your physical and mental health. And studies have shown that getting a good night's sleep is linked to increased optimism and self-confidence.  
2. Review past achievements. Your self-confidence will increase when you're able to say, "I can do this, and here's the evidence." A Personal SWOT Analysis, will identify things you're good at, based on your past achievements. You could also list the 10 things that you're most proud of in an "achievement log." Then use them to make positive affirmations about what you can do.
3. Set confidence-boosting goals. The more successful you are, the better you'll feel about yourself. Goal Setting is a great technique for targeting, tracking and recognizing success. It helps you to build competence and a feeling of worthiness.

Top Tips for Underconfident Managers

• Make sure that you understand your main responsibilities and objectives by reviewing, or writing, your job description.
• Try to find a mentor, and commit to learning the key skills you need to work more effectively.
• Set goals for your team, and make sure that you communicate them regularly.
• You can't do everything on your own. Identify tasks that you can delegate to team members.

Looking back, when I stood in that elevator, my biggest barrier was myself. As soon as I got out of my own way, I had a chance. Make sure you give yourself one, too.

Relevant Resources

To learn more about boosting your self-esteem, -efficacy and -confidence, check out our supporting resources:

The Highs and Lows of Self-Esteem
Impostor Syndrome
The Power of Self-Confidence
How Self-Confident Are You?
Confidence Hacks

The post Self-Confidence: You Are What You Think You Are appeared first on Mind Tools.

It's been a while since I've written a thought piece. And I put it off for a bit, thinking about all the people who could do it so much better than me. See what I mean?

Of course, it's natural to compare ourselves to others to some extent. It helps us to gauge our own abilities, attributes and skills. It can motivate us to achieve more – at work and at home.

But social comparison can also have a downside, particularly if you allow yourself to become preoccupied with the perceived success and happiness of others.

Social comparison can make us feel dissatisfied with our own lot, dent our feelings of self-worth, and even lead to poor mental health.

What Is Comparison Syndrome?

Social comparison theory was first introduced by Theodore Festinger back in 1954. Today we have several similar terms to describe its negative effects, such as comparison syndrome, comparisonitis, and obsessive comparison syndrome.

Upward social comparison is a common form. This is where we consider someone to be doing better than we are. For me, that might mean comparing myself to friends who, like me, have a busy work and family life. But (unlike me) seem to manage to keep their houses in pristine condition. As someone who lives in fear of the casual visitor, this is a level of togetherness I can only dream about.

Sometimes upward comparisons can have a motivating effect. For example, you might be inspired to work hard to emulate the success of your boss. But such comparisons can also lead to feelings of inferiority, particularly if what you're aiming for seems way beyond your reach.

In contrast, downward social comparison is where we take comfort from the fact that someone else is worse off than us. I do that very thing when I watch TV shows where household clutter has taken over people's lives and they get experts in to help them out. As all their possessions are laid out before them in a warehouse, I tell myself, "At least I'm not as bad as that!"

While downward social comparison can make us feel better about ourselves, it's not a particularly healthy outlook, and it can also remind us of our own fallibility. If I'm already prone to hoarding things I don't need, how soon before I am in the same situation as the people on those TV shows?

Social Comparison and Gender Difference

Does my gender have something to do with my tendency to compare myself to others, I wonder? While some research suggests that women may be more likely to engage in social comparison than men, the research is complex, and far from conclusive on the matter.

Comparison Syndrome and Impostor Syndrome

You may see social comparison used interchangeably with impostor syndrome. They're not quite the same thing, though they are closely linked.

Business coach Kara Lambert points out that the former is brought about by external factors, whereas impostor syndrome (feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt) tends to come from within. Where the link can occur is when we compare ourselves to others and turn their successes into our own shortcomings and a fear of being "found out." It can even lead to self-sabotage.

Social Media and Comparison Syndrome

With the prevalence of social media these days, there are more opportunities than ever for us to compare ourselves to other people – from friends to celebrities and even complete strangers. Whether it's through Facebook posts, our Instagram feeds, or LinkedIn updates, we're constantly being fed a diet of other people's activities and achievements. It can be hard for us to keep perspective, and even harder to switch off.

I certainly experienced this back in lockdown. While I struggled to juggle homeworking with homeschooling, on social media I was met with a wall of updates showcasing decluttering and home-redecorating projects, and beautiful home baking. Some days it would leave me feeling pretty low, and sometimes even resentful or angry. Why wasn't I doing all this stuff too?

And then one day, I accidentally locked myself out of my main social media account. I was forced to step away from the endless scrolling. And this confirmed what I already knew. Comparison syndrome was taking over, and it was taking more than I was getting back.

How to Spot the Signs of Comparison Syndrome

If you find yourself constantly comparing yourself to others in an unhealthy way, you may suffer from comparison syndrome. Other signs to watch out for include:

• Frequently feeling like a failure when you learn of others' achievements.
• Finding it hard to congratulate others on their successes.
• Spending a lot of your free time scrutinizing other people's social media profiles and posts.
• Struggling to start new projects at work because you worry your colleagues could do them better.
• Setting yourself timelines for life milestones such as key career achievements, finding a life partner, or having kids.

Confronting Comparison Syndrome

If you're worried that comparing yourself to others is taking over, there are plenty of things you can do to help you break the habit:

• Spend time assessing your personal values. What things matter most to you, and make you feel happy and fulfilled? How can you bring more of them into your life at work and at home? This helps to switch the focus from what other people are doing. You might even want to turn your values into a personal mission statement to help you feel positive and grounded.
• Celebrate your own successes. At work, use your one-on-ones and performance reviews to reflect on, and give yourself credit for, what you've achieved this week, this month, and this year. Journaling can be another way to keep track of how you've developed and grown. It can also help you to reflect on and process any difficult emotions along the way.
• Practice gratitude. Break the cycle of yearning for things you don't have by focusing on the things you do have to be grateful for. There are apps you can use to help with this.
• Try some positive affirmations. For example, take inspiration this International Women's Day from some empowering quotes from inspiring female leaders.
• Give yourself a digital detox. If social media time is causing you to feel low, jealous, frustrated, or angry, it could be time to take a proper break.
• Keep things in perspective. Remind yourself that social media shows you a curated version of people's lives. You're comparing yourself to their edited highlights. We all face challenges and difficulties, and have parts of our lives that are pretty mundane. But we're far less likely to share the bad stuff!
• Open up to a friend, a trusted colleague, coach, or counselor. Finally, if constant comparison is getting you down, talking to others can help you to tackle feelings of low self-esteem and isolation. You may even find that they've experienced similar thoughts and feelings themselves. And they may even be able to offer you some advice and tips.

One thing that I think it's important to keep coming back to is that it's easy to build a narrative around someone else's abilities, successes or shortcomings without having the full picture.

The friend with the perfect house might do chores till midnight before you call round. That person on the TV might have a health issue that explains why their home is overwhelming them.

We all have our own stories. And that's the point. We can be inspired, moved, or feel envy when we compare our lives to others'. It's what we choose to value and do with our own that really matters.

About the Author:

Cat began her career with a national radio station before moving into the heady world of advertising as a copywriter. She now has over 15 years experience writing, editing and managing content delivery for our learners, from animated video to infographics and e-learning. As senior managing editor, Cat currently manages our in-house team of writers. Away from her desk, she's a mum, an unpaid dog walker and occasional wild swimmer.

The post Calling Time on Comparison Syndrome appeared first on Mind Tools.

"It is better to stand in the rain than to run to your enemy for shelter."

It was February 12, 2006. We were on our way to the U.S.A., on a trip that we had planned, and saved for, over many months. We were giddy with excitement because we were headed for New York City – the Big Apple... city of cities! Except that we weren't. There were storms ahead.

The direct flight from Johannesburg, South Africa to New York meant flying north and refueling in Senegal, before flying across the Atlantic. This stopover usually takes only two hours, but on this day, we sat on the tarmac for a good five to six hours. As passengers sitting in planes do, we started getting restless and wondered what was going on. Eventually, we were informed that takeoff was delayed because of bad weather in New York.

When we left Dakar, we settled into our seats feeling all excited again – we were on our way! As we approached New York, though, the turbulence grew worse by the minute, and our plane was put into a holding pattern. Round and round we flew in that horrible weather, with no prospect of landing.

After being rerouted to Washington D.C., refueling, and sitting on the tarmac for another four hours, we were finally allowed to fly back to New York and land.

Riding Out the Storms

What we didn't know was that our flight was the first to touch down at John F. Kennedy Airport that day. The "bad weather" that they'd told us about in Dakar was a bit more than that – it was a huge storm, and on February 11 and 12, parts of New York city had experienced record snowfall.

We should have touched down at 7 a.m. originally, but by the time we disembarked, it was late into the evening. And there was something else we didn't know until we exited customs: all the public transport systems were shut. Even taxis were few and far between. We eventually managed to secure transport to our hotel – a limousine, no less, the cost of which made us want to cry.

After weighing our options of spending the night (and possibly the following day) in the airport building, or walking 20 miles to our destination in sub-zero temperatures in a place we'd never been before, the limo seemed a sensible option.

Looking back, we often laughed about that evening and the limousine ride. Normally, we would never have considered paying that much for a ride from an airport to a hotel. However, the circumstances weren't normal and we were pushed to think and act outside of our comfort zone.

Storms of Another Kind

Sadly, that relationship didn't last (unrelated to the limousine!) and a mere three years later, I faced a storm of another kind when I got divorced. There was no "limousine" on standby. I simply had to cope with many things I'd never dealt with before.

Yet that stormy period in my life shaped me in so many ways. My self-confidence was in tatters and I had to learn to become confident again. It changed how I saw myself and what I thought I was capable of. My resilience was pushed to its limits and it made me grow stronger, and I learned the value of becoming self-reliant.

The whole sad experience revealed who my true friends were and who turned out to be fair-weather friends. It taught me to set boundaries and to protect myself mentally and emotionally.

Most of all, my career took a totally different turn from the one I had originally planned. Looking back now, I know it was for the better – and for that I am immensely grateful.

What Storms Do

Wikipedia starts its definition of a storm with, "any disturbed state of an environment or in an astronomical body's atmosphere especially affecting its surface, and strongly implying severe weather. It may be marked by significant disruptions to normal conditions."

Isn't that what storms in life do? They create abnormal circumstances that change the surface of your life. They're noisy, severe and scary. They push you to think of survival, finding shelter, and acting beyond your comfort zone.

Make It Go Away!

Often when in the midst of adversity, you feel like you'll do anything to make it go away. Sometimes you become willing to compromise your values. You bargain with your soul, and sell out your emotional and physical well-being. Storms have the power to do that to us.

The other side of the coin is that they give you the opportunity to grow stronger in your beliefs. They reveal a lot about yourself and your thinking – to you. They teach you to delay gratification and to make wiser decisions – not to fall for the temporary relief that you'll later regret.

On our Facebook Career Community, several people commented on how stormy life experiences changed the course of their career, and the impact that had on their lives.

The Truth Is...

But it doesn't matter what spin we put on storms and how good they are for our growth and development, they sometimes leave us shaken, bruised, and in emotional tatters.

Someone that I studied with passed away from COVID a few weeks back. I have no words to describe what her family is going through. That storm uprooted their lives completely, and dealing with the aftermath is crushing.

Life's storms don't necessarily take physical things or people from you, but they can take things that are difficult to regain, such as trust, confidence, and believing in the goodness of the world.

The Storms That Shaped Us

During the #MTtalk Twitter chat last Friday, we talked about how the storms of life can shape us. Here are the questions we asked and some of your most insightful responses:

Q1. How do you view life's stormy periods? A blessing? An inconvenience? Explain.

@J_Stephens_CPA I guess it depends on the storm. Some are challenging and result in a mess. Others are opportunities for growth (it takes rain to grow plants).

@TwinkleEduCons In the past few years, I have come to view them as a life lesson I had not yet learnt, but needed to. There is ALWAYS a takeaway and often the process itself is a life lesson. Difficult and unpleasant, but necessary for continued growth – if we so choose!

Q2. When you are in a storm, what is your first response?

@carriemaslen A common initial response to a storm or period of darkness is to ask, "Why Me?", and focus on the downside. With time and help we can see it as an opportunity.

@emapirciu Am I really in a storm, or do I make a storm out of nothing? I tend to give myself some time to evaluate my options. Otherwise, I risk amplifying the storm with the wrong decisions.

Q3. What do you say to yourself to help you keep going?

@Manex_JMBS If someone else did it, I can do it too, if no-one has done it, I will be the first to do it.

@BMtrainercoach I am smart, capable and I can find a place I should be. I can still be happy – my value is internal... not external.

Q4. What have storms revealed to you about yourself/your character/your values?

@lsmurthy99 Storms teach us the mysterious ways we can be tested by Nature or situations. Replace fears with faith. Resolve to uphold our values all the time and... [it will bring] the joy of learning and gratefulness.

@MarkC_Avgi That I am a survivor. That I can figure out how to come out the other side, with the realization that things may actually be better. With my values and ethics intact, and sometimes with a new perspective on priorities and life.

Q5. How did your worst storms change the way you think?

@PG_pmp That we should always be prepared for anything and not to leave the path of learning... so always create space to upgrade self.

@NWarind The first rule is to lower your sails and reinforce the mast.

Q6. What would you do differently if another storm appeared in your life?

@MicheleDD_MT Think about what I need (self-care) to weather the storm and reach out to others for support.

@ColfaxInsurance Take the time to assess the origin of the storm. Is it in my head/battling w/ myself, or is it an outside factor that I can change/work with? And ask for help sooner, before I feel like I'm drowning.

Q7. How do you react to someone who minimizes, discounts or "one-ups" your storm experience?

@Midgie_MT I no longer react. I ignore it and say to myself that the person has some need to feel "better than" someone else. In this case me, so I do not respond or carry on that line of discussion.

@DhongdeSupriya I just smile. I don't waste my energy and choose to ignore it. By explaining I feel I am diluting my struggle and fight.

Q8. Why do some find it so difficult to ask for support during a storm?

@SizweMoyo Some people view asking for help as a sign of weakness. Life can get pretty tough, asking for help is another way to cope with it all.

@NgukaOduor Fear. And mostly for me it's the notion that I might most likely not get help, so I just struggle with it within me.

Q9. What are the benefits of reaching out during a storm, and who do you ask for help/support?

@llake When we ask for and receive help, it's not just about us. We are better in all areas when we get the right help – in turn, we can be helpful toward others. We need to encourage this at a young age. I ask those who are the best fit. That may not be friends/family.

@JKatzaman Reaching out to those you trust during a storm helps keep all of you grounded.

Q10. How would you support someone who is in the midst of a storm?

@Yolande_MT As always, my go-to thing is to ask a person how I can best support them. What can I do for them right now? What can I do for them tomorrow/next week?

@PmTwee Engaging and encouraging are the best support keys.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat here.

Coming Up

Our storms are part of what makes us who we are – they're part of the fabric of our being. But not all parts of our story are equally easy to own. In our next #MTtalk chat, we're going to talk about owning your story. In our poll this week, we'd like to know which part of owning your story you find most difficult. To see the poll and cast your vote, please click here.

Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources to explore strategies and develop skills that can help you to own your story. Some of them may only be available in full to members of the Mind Tools Club.

Managing Post-Traumatic Growth

Back on Track

Working Through Grief

How Resilient Are You?

The Uncertainty Factor

How Can Stoicism Help You at Work?

Life After Job Loss

Managing Your Boundaries

Lazarus and Folkman's Transactional Model of Stress and Coping

From Reactive to Proactive Management

How to Manage a Team Member With PTSD

The post The Storms That Shaped Us – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

I grew up near London, and my family was a little untraditional in that dad was the stay-at-home parent. He'd been a school principal but chose to reduce his hours and look after my siblings and me while mom worked full time.

She was a very successful project manager at a multinational investment bank, and she was a massive inspiration to me.

Her degree was in computer science, and dad's background was engineering and science. But the family has a creative streak, too. My sister is an artist and my brother is a baker who has made many a fine wedding cake!

Catching the Circus Bug!

Nowadays, I share mom's fondness for business and spreadsheets, and I'm at my best when I'm working with technical types. But, as a teen, I chose an English degree and planned to be an English teacher.

I spent a summer teaching in an orphanage in India during my studies, and saw the passion those children had for learning. Suddenly, I didn't feel I could teach in the U.K. after all. It seemed to me that a lot of people in higher education didn't really appreciate what they had.

It was a chance discovery back home that set me on the path to a very different career. 

I'd enjoyed gymnastics as a child so, when I found out there was a converted church in my neighborhood that offered circus classes, I signed up and quickly "caught the bug." 

Trust and the Flying Trapeze

I started off learning the hula hoop, which became my ground-based act. Then I progressed to the aerial arts when I went to New York to teach circus in a summer camp. 

A lot of the team came from New Zealand and, when our U.S. contract ended, they asked if I wanted to tour with them for a while. I was four months out of university, with no commitments and no job –it was too much of an opportunity to pass up.

I learned aerial hoop, silks and, after a time, corde lisse – a single rope you climb up, tie yourself in, and roll back down again. During my time performing I found that some relatively simple tricks were real crowd-pleasers while the more technically difficult ones might not raise a response. So, I would save up my hardest tricks for the experts to appreciate. An approach I'm not ashamed to say I occasionally use in the office as well!

I tried flying trapeze for a few months – long enough to learn that I was happier trusting my own grip than trusting someone else to catch me. Some might say I've some trust issues there, but I don't think standard psychological assessments really come into play when you're 12 meters in the air!

Circus Skills Boosted My Self-Esteem

When someone asked me what I loved about the circus all I could say was that it made me happier than I'd ever been before. Looking back, I can see that circus helped get me over some quite damaging beliefs about my abilities.

I used to suffer from low self-esteem, despite always achieving good grades. But, in circus, I found I had full autonomy over what skills I worked to develop. I was constantly mastering new tricks or improving existing ones. And my purpose was clear – I was creating a beautiful performance that showcased my strength and skill and that made people feel something. 

Circus had certainly delivered Pink's Autonomy, Mastery and Purpose motivation model for me.

Believe it or not, I wouldn't consider myself all that adventurous. Despite the thrill of earning a living from performance, I always felt drawn back to having a regular job, a steady income, and something that challenged me mentally, not just physically. I get comfort from being able to think my way through problems, and there's not much call for that in the circus life.

So, when I found myself back in London, I switched to performing part time and working a nine-to-five office job for a recruitment firm.

I spotted a job advert for a little-known business called Pact Coffee, with just 14 employees. It needed someone to sort out its internal paperwork, and that someone turned out to be me. Turns out that being able to make it in the chaos of a circus is pretty good preparation for the chaos of a start-up.

Have a Passion Outside of Your Career

Years later, Pact’s CEO and founder Stephen Rapoport and I were talking about what made a good Pact employee. One of the key things that came out was people who had passions outside of their careers. Even in those early days, Stephen knew how important that drive is – and he confessed to interviewing me because of my circus background, but he hired me because of my passion for developing people.

Pact was a very steep learning curve into the worlds of finance and then HR. With its tech start-up culture, I was given a lot of autonomy and, not having had much experience with other HR professionals, I made a lot of early decisions based on just quick research and gut feel. 

Pact grew quickly, to 80 employees in three years, and my role grew in proportion. I loved bringing people into a workplace that made them feel motivated and energized. But there was a lot for us to learn, not least compliance, and the importance of training and support for managers. 

I later moved on to my current position Senior HR Business Partner at Arkk Solutions, a SaaS provider from the Financial market offering a range of innovative tech to improve the reporting of Finance teams globally. In Arkk Solutions we’re incredibly focused on personal development, one of the small ways we’re committed to that is by giving every employee £500 a year for PD outside of their work-life. We’ve had people spend it on music lessons and design courses, and I of course use it for circus classes.

Arkk’s culture is built around the values of Winning Together, Authentic, Responsive, Positive and Aware and it’s a place where I feel very confident not only being myself but taking everything I’ve learned, from all parts of my life, and using it to help make people’s work-life that much more enjoyable.

Although each of these roles has been challenging and I’ve worked with some incredible people, I would have to say that the person who's had the biggest influence on my post-circus career has been my mom.

I didn't realize until I started in HR what a difference it made to me growing up with a very strong, intelligent and ambitious woman in the house. I often discuss issues with her to this day.

I believe that the confidence I learned in the circus, combined with her influence is why I’m so successful in my HR career. I’m able to bring the HR agenda to the table whenever it’s needed, I don’t shy away from difficult conversations and I enjoy challenging myself and others to be the very best version of themselves, no matter how hard the journey might be.

You can find out exactly what Laura learned at Pact, and how she uses Mind Tools to support her people at Arkk, in her Emerald Works blog. 

The post From Circus Performer to HR Professional! appeared first on Mind Tools.

"The most important day is the day you decide you're good enough for you. It’s the day you set yourself free." – Brittany Josephina, writer and life coach

About This Week's Chat: Feeling Like a Fraud

Have you ever felt like a fraud at work? Do you think that one day, everybody will find out that you're there by mistake? Perhaps you even imagine the time when security escorts you, shamefaced, out of the building.

I want to assure you that you're not alone! "Impostor Syndrome," as it's known, is real for many people, even though they are accomplished, educated, capable and competent.

In fact, I've struggled with it at different times in my career. Sometimes it was so bad that I felt useless and unable to do anything properly. (Did you notice the unhealthy internal dialogue there, using an absolute? I felt unable to do anything properly!)

And, if you think it's only us "regular" people who occasionally feel like impostors, think again. Some very well-known people have talked about feeling "fake," too.

In the Company of "Impostors"

"I have written 11 books, but each time I think, 'Uh oh, they're going to find out now," Maya Angelou, a respected author and poet, once said. "I've run a game on everybody and they're going to find me out."

Albert Einstein needs no introduction, but even he felt uneasy about the high esteem in which people held his work. "I feel compelled to think of myself as an involuntary swindler," he commented.

And, actor Mike Myers – best known for his "Austin Powers" and "Shrek" movies – quipped that "at any time I still expect the no-talent police to come and arrest me."

Am I Enough?

If you have Impostor Syndrome, you believe that you don't deserve your success. You feel that you're not as intelligent, creative or talented as other people think you are. In our Twitter poll this week, we wanted to know how people mostly experience this feeling of not "being enough."

A whopping 41 percent of participants voted for "I doubt myself," while 23 percent said that they focus on their mistakes. Click here to view all of the options, and the results.

During our #MTtalk Twitter chat last week we discussed impostor syndrome, feeling inadequate, and being authentic. Here are the questions we asked and some of the responses:

Q1. What does "inadequacy" mean to you?

@KobusNeethInst: Inadequacy might be feeling that you don't have all the answers you think you should have.

@We_MakeItReign: Inadequacy is ultimately a state of mind. Lacking confidence, rendering you unable to deal with certain situations or conquering a certain challenge. Feeling like you aren't good enough. Everyone has the ability to be adequate.

Q2. What situations or tasks cause you to feel inadequate at work?

@TwisterKW: A feeling of not having a voice or not being heard. Sometimes new projects or new partners. Lack of trust. Or a failed project. Sometimes not even a failed project but a failed piece of a project. Hmm. Does resilience fit in here?

@JKatzaman: You feel inadequate at work when you look around and think everyone else does everything better than you.

Q3. When have your feelings of inadequacy caused you to feel like an impostor?

@MicheleDD_MT: Sometimes around male executives. There’s a feeling I get that I just don’t measure up, and that I am not part of their club.

@Midgie_MT: When there have been lots of changes and I am still getting to grips with new ways of doing things. Wonder whether I can actually do it.

@ShereesePubHlth: When I haven't been mindful of my clients' needs or just disengaged, I get caught off guard. This makes me feel like an impostor.

Q4. What can you do to counter feelings of inadequacy/impostor syndrome?

@s_narmadhaa: I think a support group helps here. It's awkward to receive praise when we think we don't deserve it, but with the right team around us, we'll learn to accept it with grace and modesty.

@thevijaymahajan: I meet my standards for adequacy better than I used to, but I’ve also lowered those standards so that they’re meetable. Sometimes the light’s all shining on me; other times I can barely see.

Q5. What does "authenticity" mean to you?

@ELL_experience: Authenticity is when you do what you feel is right, even if you're doing it alone.

@BrainBlenderTec: It means being the same in public as behind closed doors.

Q6. Do you ever feel forced to present a certain image in order to get ahead?

@temekoruns: Image and perception go hand in hand. If your image is not intact professionally, it is perceived you are out of your league.

@TwinkleTutoring: Yes! It is diminishing though! I’m learning that being me, my authentic self, is actually my USP. And it is a very positive thing. The more I accept me for me, the easier it is to become the person I was aspiring to be!

Q7. Does the phrase "fake it until you make it" resonate with you, or not?

@Yolande_MT: If you fake it and you're caught out before you make it, your career might take a huge knock. Don't fake it. Crawl, then walk, then run.

@JusChas: It disappoints me knowing how many people do this. You are taking away an opportunity that someone else deserves more than you due to their experience and expertise in matters.

Q8. Can you ever be anything but authentic?

@sittingpretty61: Being authentic does not mean indulging oneself in all your impulses and to hell with all others. It demands you hold yourself accountable and human despite the impulse to disregard cooperating and communicating with others in a meaningful way.

@harrisonia: Yes. Sometimes the way we were raised and the type of communication allowed, we may not have shown our true selves because it would not have been accepted by family members or others close to us.

Q9. How do you think others see you? And does it matter?

@PG_pmp: Yes, being human it matters…

@SaifuRizvi: It does matter if you know inside your heart that their perception about me is right!

@Ganesh_Sabari: What others think about me is none of my business. I am what I am. I am who I am! When you tell me who I am, you are indirectly and factually telling me who you are!

Q10. What can you do to help yourself and others feel "enough"/adequate?

@jeremypmurphy: Step back/reflect on how many people depend upon us for help/support. Then think of how many each of us could help at full capacity. Touch others with inspiration/positivity daily. Give selflessly without counting the cost. Be strong. We believe in you! Do you?

@temekoruns: Inadequacy can be remedied by, a) not comparing your life to others, b) using strengths more, c) being around those who empower.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat, here.

Coming Up

Ideally, everybody in a workplace would feel that they're "enough." To help them feel adequate, they must be able to reach their potential. How do you feel your leaders can best help you unleash your potential? Click here to cast your vote in our poll.

Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources that will help you to learn more about overcoming feelings of inadequacy:

• Overcoming Impostor Syndrome
• Beating Self-Sabotage
• Building Self-Confidence
• Increasing Your Visibility
• Coping Under Pressure
• Cognitive Restructuring
• Dweck's Fixed and Growth Mindsets

Members of the Mind Tools Club can also access the full versions of the following resources:

• How to Manage an Underconfident Person
• Boosting Your Self-Esteem
• Avoiding Managerial Self-Sabotage
• QBQ!
• Authentic Leadership
• Establishing Credibility
• Authenticity

The post Am I Enough? – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

Terminator-style, my mind processes a series of responses:

1. "******* typical! As if I haven't got enough on my ****** plate! I'll just reschedule my entire week because you don't know your *** from your elbow, you utter *******!"
2. "OK, but you said the same thing yesterday about our other big review, so you can kiss that one goodbye for a start."
3. "It'll be tight, but yeah, I reckon I can manage that."

Then, my brain factors in the importance of paying the mortgage and feeding my daughter, the cost of the recently booked summer vacation and said daughter's school trip, and the dismal state of the local job market.

Through the rage that courses through every blood vessel, I hear myself cheerily respond with Option 3…

…And breathe!

But what if there was another way? A path that could keep the boss happy and not derail my own schedule. How can you assert yourself without jeopardizing your workplace relationships?

These are questions that we have thought about at Mind Tools, and you can learn our top tips for dealing with this issue with our articles, How to Be Assertive and "Yes" to the Person, "No" to the Task.

But we wanted to know about the strategies that you have employed in your bids to be more assertive, and whether or not they were successful. And would you recommend them to other people?

So, we asked our friends and readers on social media, "What are your top tips for being more assertive?"

Be Assertive, Not Aggressive

Uppermost in many people's thoughts were the importance of staying calm, avoiding conflict, and not letting emotion cloud the issue.

Facebook friend Debbie Mitchell, a business consultant from Bisley, U.K., said, "Think about your goal. What do you want to achieve from the conversation?

"Stay focused on the issue you want to talk about. Don't go off on a tangent and bring up new issues or cover old ground. Plan your rational statements, not emotional ones.

"Be open to hearing counter-arguments, and consider them rationally. Be patient, be fair, be reasonable. When you think emotion might bubble over, step away and come back to it later."

Procurement specialist Ahmed Raafat, from Cairo, Egypt, added three points. He said, "First, agree to disagree. Having a different point of view doesn't mean "I'm right and other person is wrong."

"Next, take a problem-solving approach to conflict. And, third, be patient."

Tracy Price, writing from California, said, "Be first in, and last to leave, any meeting with anyone of seniority. Listen carefully and take notes. When questions are asked, speak up clearly and with purpose. Dress for success."

Assertiveness is also a question of understanding and displaying Emotional Intelligence, according to management consultant Christos Nicolaou, from Larnaka, Cyprus. He said, "Develop your EQ, particularly the technical side, so that you act instead of react. You can then adjust your assertiveness according to the the case."

Joseph Truttman suggested simply, "Krav Maga or MMA training." I'll be generous, and assume that he meant that such skills can contribute to self-confidence, rather than recommending that you separate your boss's joints if he asks you to work a bit of overtime!

Twitter follower Vijay Mahajan had five brief tips for being more assertive. He said, "1. Value your time. 2. Listen and maintain eye contact. 3. Have a strong sense of self-belief. 4. Use emotional intelligence. 5. Body Language and Speaking."

Assertiveness and Reality

On LinkedIn, corporate trainer James Choles said, "The reality is that most people simply aren’t able to say 'No' to their bosses, especially in cultures where the power distance is high. My tip, then, would be to learn ways to refuse or push back without actually saying 'No.’"

LinkedIn proved to be good source of tips. Here is a selection of the highlights:

• "Consistency in creating and meeting small goals helps one to feel more confident and then more assertive" – Jenny Nation.
• "Not being afraid to be real and honest" – Mary Holmes.
• "Always think from different perspectives, not just from yours, for reaching a win-win situation" – Tamas Fitos.
• "A simple one my granddad taught me: say no!" – Martin Hipwell

As always, we're extremely grateful to everyone who took the time to write in with their top tips. And, if you have any other suggestions for being more assertive, let us know in the box, below!

The post Your Top Tips for Being More Assertive appeared first on Mind Tools.

"Right, yes, sorry Aaron. Go ahead."

"Sorry, I just thought we were working towards a March completion on this project? Sorry if I've got that wrong."

Sound familiar? Saying "sorry" when we don't really need to can be a difficult habit to break. Perhaps you don't even notice yourself doing it. But over-using the word "sorry" can make your sincere apologies less meaningful and may even lose you your co-workers' respect.

So, why do we do it?

Apologizing is a common trait among "people pleasers" and those of us who avoid confrontation at all costs. We apologize because we assume that we are the one's in the wrong, because we want to diffuse tension, or to fill an awkward silence. Over-apologizing can also reveal a lack of self-worth or self-confidence.

Does Gender Cause "Sorry-itis"?

In many cultures, it is thought that women tend to apologize more often than men. Is this because men have a higher threshold for what they consider offensive behavior? Pantene's recent advertising campaign, "Sorry Not Sorry" suggests so. But a recent Washington Post blog argues that women wrap up their requests and opinions in apologies to avoid being judged too direct.  However, research shows that women don't apologize more. Rather, men have a tendency to dominate conversations, especially at work.

In this podcast, Professor Deborah Cameron challenges the idea that we need to be constrained by our gender: "...there is as much difference among men, or among women, as there is between the two." She also reminds us that saying sorry isn't always an act of submission, but rather a sign of consideration or compassion for another person. So, an apology might be something we could all use positively sometimes.

A Sign of Weakness?

John Wayne famously said, "never apologize... it’s a sign of weakness." And constantly apologizing can undermine your arguments and ideas, but there will undoubtedly be occasions when an apology is necessary. The trick is to recognize when you really do need to be sorry for your actions, and when you don't. So, how do we turn mindless apologies into mindful ones?

Listen to Yourself

The first stage to overcoming excessive apologizing is to recognize that you have a problem.

Listen out, and keep a record of the number of times that you apologize in a day. You may be surprised! Enlist the help of your colleagues or friends to (gently) point out your apologies. You may not notice yourself doing it, but others certainly will.

Change Your Assumptions

The next step is to change your mindset.

Unlike John Wayne, many of us assume that we are at fault without even thinking about it.

"Sorry" features heavily in my own everyday language. I even find myself saying it when I hold the door open for someone. Not because I am sorry that the other person has to cross a threshold, but because it has become a bad habit.

So, when you do start recording your apologies, be sure to also note whether they were really needed. Chances are that the unnecessary apologies will significantly outweigh the fair ones.

Think Before You Speak

Now that you’ve identified the problem, you can start to take active steps towards fixing it.

The solution is really quite simple: think before you speak. Before you apologize for helping yourself to the last of the coffee, or for disagreeing with one of your colleagues, ask yourself, "what am I sorry for?" The brief moment it takes you to consider your choice of words could dramatically alter your peers' perception of you.

So, instead of saying sorry, simply explain yourself. Set out your case confidently and professionally.

But, be careful not to over-compensate. You don't want to become that person that never says sorry. If this happens, you risk coming across as rude or aggressive instead of assertive.

Lend a Helping Hand

Once you've become the boss of your own apologies, why not help your fellow team members to do the same?

You might have a co-worker who struggles to get his or her voice heard, or who is sabotaging his hard work by constantly apologizing. If this is the case, remind him that he doesn't need to apologize for what he believes is right. Help him to become more mindful of his apologies, and be an advocate for his good ideas. You'll boost his confidence and help him to reach his full potential.

And Finally...

Having the humility and compassion to apologize is an invaluable trait. But, saying sorry too much can have a significant impact on how you value yourself and the work you do. By reserving your apologies only for when they are really justified, you'll likely be more assertive and feel confident in your ability.

You never know, cutting down on saying sorry could help you to speak up more in meetings, or to ask for that promotion you've had your eye on. So, the next time you go to say the S-word, stop yourself and ask, "am I really sorry?"

Do you find yourself saying "sorry" all of the time? Or, do you never say it? What tips do you have for people who over-apologize? Share your thoughts and tips in the Comments section below...

The post How Can I Stop Saying Sorry All the Time? appeared first on Mind Tools.

Let’s assume that the toddler's parents reprimanded him for his outbursts, then sent him off to his bedroom. But his behavior continued at school, where his classmates thought he was selfish and self-centered. They did not invite him to play, and scornfully rolled their eyes when they were forced to include him.

Eventually, Chris learned that by saying "Yes," he was welcomed to participate. The more he said "Yes," the more people viewed him as kind and helpful.

Soon, they appreciated having him around, and shared with him the things they most valued. He'd learned that being agreeable opened many doors of opportunity. Very often, people who are too quick to say "No" are judged to be demanding, selfish, and confrontational.

The Yes-Man

Now imagine that same child as a twentysomething working in an office. "Hey, Chris," the boss says, "can you help me go through these résumés? We need to get the interviews going."

"Sure, boss," Chris says, "I've got my presentation first thing in the morning, but I can finish it at home tonight." Very likely, Chris will not just say "Yes" to the boss but also to anyone in the office who asks for help.

Seeking Approval

Diana Kander says that "we live in a culture of 'Yes'… Likability has become a key determinant in landing jobs and other professional opportunities." However, maybe we've learned the lesson to not say "No" a little too well, according to Dr. Harriet Braiker:

People-pleasers are not just nice people who go overboard trying to make everyone happy. Those who suffer from the Disease to Please are people who say "Yes" when they really want to say "No."

For them, the uncontrollable need for the elusive approval of others is an addiction. Their debilitating fears of anger and confrontation force them to use "niceness" and "people-pleasing" as self-defense camouflage.

It's OK to Say No

When you're considering a request for help, consider your priorities and deadlines. If you need a little time, ask for a day to evaluate, but only a day. Even if you find that you have some time, ask yourself if this is something that you would enjoy doing.

It’s OK to say "No." Do it with grace and authority. Here is some simple advice from The Muse on how to say it.

First, appreciate that the person values your help and sought you out. If it’s something you wish you had the time for, say so.

Second, use the old "It's not you, it's me" line. Validate the appropriateness of the request, but say with regret that you are unable to participate.

Third, tell it like it is. Offer an explanation of what's preventing you from helping, but keep it brief.

Last, as you consider the help requested, you can offset any ill feelings by offering a piece of advice that might keep them from learning a lesson the hard way, or by suggesting someone else who might benefit from helping.

Confronting the Boss

But, what if the request comes from the boss and you just really can't afford the time? Recommend that the two of you review your priorities. See what can be tossed aside to allow you to help on the new project.

While the focus here is to encourage you to be more willing to say "No," saying "Yes" is, of course, a beautiful thing. Just be careful. You might (barely) have time to help with another project, but will you lose focus on your own work?

Craig Cincotta warns that, "[In saying 'Yes'] you begin to create ripples of productivity [in your own work] when you should be making waves [emphasis added]."

Take Pride in What You Don't Do

If you need more help justifying saying "No," consider Steve Jobs's advice:

People think focus means saying "Yes" to the thing you've got to focus on. But that's not what it means at all. It means saying "No" to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You must pick carefully. I'm as proud of the things we haven't done as the things I have done.

Here's one last thought about these "yes or no" situations. Recognize that we are judged by the yes/no decisions that we make. If someone asks for your help to do something that you find morally objectionable, do not sacrifice your principles.

Again, with grace and authority, explain your thinking. Who knows, maybe you'll get some people to rethink their actions and say "No" to themselves.

The post Need Some Help Saying No? appeared first on Mind Tools.